Catching the Bouquet – Valentine’s Day!

Here we are again. The day when lovers put aside the bad and focus on sex. Or perhaps on the romance of being with a partner. You know you have found your soul mate when you both think, “I just want to lie on the couch and watch TV or a movie.” But no!! No I say!! Get out there and do something. He can lie on the couch and you can go have fun with your single lady friends or just the married ones who have husbands who want to lie on the couch. Here’s some ideas:

Fancy Lady dress-up and drinks: in San Diego:

Bully’s East in Mission Valley has a Valentine’s Day Menu and special cocktails like: The Maiden or Hayley’s Comet
http://www.bullyseastsd.com/2013/01/29/make-your-reservations-now-for-valentines-day/

The Andaz on F Street Downtown has a rooftop lounge and is a hotel if you need to book a room: their package includes an intimacy kit and breakfast the next day
http://www.sandiego.com/hotels/andaz-san-diego

Donovan’s Downtown offers a free ride in their 14 person coach if you prefer not to get caught unable to drive: They whisk you away and safely to your destination
http://www.sandiegorestaurants.com/specialoffers.cfm/restaurant/1371/DonovansofDowntown

McCormick & Schmicks offers a deal on Wednesdays that’s shrimp and oysters for $1 each from 5pm to closing
http://www.sandiegorestaurants.com/specialoffers.cfm/restaurant/2503/McCormickSchmicks

Or Finally, when all else fails there is always: STARLITE on the edge of Hillcrest and Banker’s Hill with a Valentine’s Day line-up inclusive of the loners not just the lovers:
no cover and DJ music until 2am
http://www.starlitesandiego.com/2013/01/673/#13597549375901&true

When It’s no longer fun to date…

Remember the days of long ago 3rd grade when you had a crush on Tommy Smith who was the best speller or four-square player, and you just liked looking at him.  He was like forbidden fruit and the danger of telling anyone that you liked him was that he might pull your hair or make fun of you.  Even if he accidentally touched your hand you got shock waves and an adrenaline rush that could not be equaled.  Flash forward to real adult life with bills and bosses and co-workers and the playground crush isn’t so thrilling.  He’s reliable, or smart, or nice but he’s no Tommy Smith because he has no danger.  He has no mystery and instead leaves his dirty socks on the living room floor or his messy midnight snack dishes for you to clean up.  He cares more about the Olympics than your day and probably wouldn’t notice if you were there or not until the dishes piled up.

 

There’s plenty of romance in life, but it’s mostly in our heads anyway.  We make that feeling up, so we should be able to keep it going, right?  Well, here’s some tips for you to spice it up:

1.  Instead of staying in on a Friday make the concerted effort to take your after work shower and put on sexy clothes and make up and go to a happy hour.

2.  Use your Sunday morning to take a walk with your beloved and try not to talk the entire time.  Leave him wondering what you are thinking and vice versa.  Sometimes a little togetherness without words can give you room to just enjoy eachother.

3.  Light candles in the bedroom and spend 5 minutes before bed just holding eachother or looking at eachother rather than reading that book, or making last minute lists for tomorrow. Whatever it is, it’ll keep!

4.  Practice just kissing without it leading immediately to the bed.  The art of passionate kissing is subtle and all about responding to the person you are locking lips with.  What do they respond to.  What makes the other person want to keep kissing you what makes them pull away?

5.  Sometimes it’s most beneficial to just relax before you interact with your partner before you have sex or see eachother.  If you are coming from a frantic place it will color the time you have together.  So decompress.  

 

Catching the Bouquet – The Hunt

Is it the thrill of the hunt that makes us want to go out, go online, socialize, and aspire to the level of social status that Barney Stinson or “The Fonze” have?  The ungettable, mysterious allure of strangers meeting as if by fate and then striking a spark even if it’s brief and unfullfilling?  I don’t really think that’s what motivates us anymore.  Are men still hunting?  It seems like they prefer to set a profile online and wait to see who looks at them.  Does that make women the hunter?  Maybe.

“What happened to men being men,” says my Irish uncle who came to this country with the Olympics and stayed to go to college and met my aunt.  He remembers his mom taking care of the kids and his policeman father providing for them.  As the youngest of 7 he was never the man of the house but always the baby.  But, I think this is a question all men eventually struggle with.  What makes a man, a man.  

Leadership is something I have always been good at and basically maintained my whole life.  I was the boss of my friends, my siblings who were younger, and even my larger family in certain matters.  I used to play office and I was in charge.  I gathered all my friends together one summer for a fourth of July parade that my mom graciously helped me pull-off and it worked.  I like achieving things.  When did that become so scandalous or is it that I’m a woman achieving things?  I would almost say that I am a better role model man than woman.

Honor has a lot to do with being a man.  A word that hides a few others like pride, ego, and tyrant.  But it’s not really used in modern language very often to refer to a character trait.  I don’t think anyone would call the Kardashians or Tiger Woods, or even community leaders ‘honorable.’  They aren’t!  They sell their daily lives for entertainment and behind the scenes do terrible things to others.  Where is there an honorable role model for men.  My dad was at a loss when my brother and I were with him on every other weekend.  He watched Tom Hanks in Big and decided we needed to learn math.  He made us fishsticks and tartar sauce and became a gourmet.  He didn’t really know how to be a dad.  But he tried.  Who could he really look to?  There’s not really a Martha Stewart equivalent for men.  There’s not really a man in media who even comes close to projecting a heterosexual image that is honorable and gentle while still being a man.

So, we end up with lazy suitors who are used to single moms or busy moms controlling it all for them, and not having to hunt for themselves.  I’m sure they were good moms, but none the less taught their boys to be unreliable, un-honorable, selfish, childish, and unable to be men.  So what are they looking for?  Women like their mothers: strong, self-sufficient, organized, career minded, and willing to hunt them down for sport. 

Catching the Bouquet – Flirting

This was such a mystery to me as a young girl. Were boys flirting with me? Was I flirting with them? If my guy friend and I played together on the play ground was that okay or were we flirting? What did it mean to flirt? I’m not sure how far I’ve come in this area except to say: Flirting works!!

I have a friend who is gorgeous. She is voluptuous, funny, smart and would drive the guys wild by being a big flirt! And it didn’t matter that she wasn’t a supermodel or anything, they found her desirable. They found her presence enticing. They wanted to be near her and flirt back. It’s such a subtle art that she mastered and used it to attract whomever she wanted. She was so sexy even without lingerie or fake boobs or any of the trappings that magazines tell us we need to be to get a man.

So: Flirting techniques that work:

1. compliments: remind him he’s strong, smart, the expert, the leader or whatever and he’ll like that. Of course this works best if he actually is smart, an expert, strong or a leader but you can make him the expert of where you two are going tonight. You can make him strong enough to open something for you. Smart enough to figure out something for you like where to park. It’s not lying, it’s flirting. And it works! You’d feel good if he made you feel pretty and complimented you, right?

2. touch: one I like to use is removing something from his mouth or eyes. “Oh, you’ve got something there!” but not too creepy or sticking fingers in placing that aren’t so romantic but more gross. I wouldn’t go for the spinach in his teeth. Another good one is if someone is trying to get by the two of you, put your arm on him and gently move him. You don’t have to pull him closer like in the movies, but a little nudge to the side or a tap to let him know someone is trying to by or something that breaks the personal space barrier.

3. eye contact: smile and look. If you smile while your looking it’s a great indicator that you like what you see. Smiling and looking sounds simple but it’s a real art. No creepy staring or smirking. A friendly relaxed smile that’s sweet and look like you’ve just seen the most delicious cupcake in the world! Don’t look up and down like you’re judging or sizing him up, but look at him in the face. He will return the gaze and will see your face.

Well, those are my tips! Go get your flirt on!

Catching the Bouquet – Men

Men – in all their glory are the kings of their own making and masters of all they purvey; i.e. pains in the A**. What’s with the machissmo? This is the question all women face. This is the hardest thing of all. Books, DVDs, TV shows, and programs have been hatched all relating to this undeniable fact: Men are pigs. They would be lost without women. They would wander the earth eating whatever and throwing garbage on the ground, grunting at each other, possibly declaring war on each other in the street without someone to say, “NO! You can’t act like that.” Years of conditioning has gone into making the modern man ashamed of this behavior and even attempting to resist their violent, base, selfish and grand-standing personalities. So why bother? They have the capacity to be gentle and loving, but get programmed not to be. They have the capacity to be supportive, sweet, funny, and great dads or husbands it just takes the right woman to open them up. Well, I don’t know about a right woman but a no-nonsense woman. You have to be willing to give it right back. If a man thinks he can get away with that behavior he will. You have to train him on how you want to be treated. In fact, the more you are honest and say what bothers you, the more he’ll learn about his bad habits that previous women have just put up with. It’s probably not even his fault. No one told him that chewing with his mouth open so that food drops out occasionally is disgusting. No one enforced the standard of behavior that might be normal to all others. So, speak up!! They need to hear it. They need to be aware!! And don’t feel bad, he’s gotta learn some-time. Of course, if he doesn’t you can’t make him be the way you want, so you might be looking for a different man.

Catching the Bouquet

Dating….what can I say?  Dating is the necessary evil to finding someone you would want to share more of your time and effort on.  So, it can feel a little bit like the longest job interview or the weirdest game show ever!  I myself have explored the depths of dating and come out the other side still single.  Being over 30 now I think I’ve earned the right to make some judge-y hard and fast rules about dating so here it goes:

Red Flags:

Words like: “just looking for fun”  or “I don’t take life so seriously” or “I’m not sure what I’m looking for” are bad.  They just are.  Trust me.  If he doesn’t use words that are definitive he’s a waffle and will skate right out of your life as quickly as he came in.

Insists that saying “I Love You” isn’t necessary.  Run girl run!  He’s using you as a place holder for the next girl.

Doesn’t introduce you to his friends and doesn’t really give a crap about yours:  He’s just a mean guy.  Yuck!

Doesn’t have a recollection of what he did last weekend.  Huge warning sign!!  Either he got high out of his mind, which is the sign of a habitual abuser of drugs and alcohol, or he’s lying.  Either way, not so good.

Green Flags:

Asks about your day and your life regularly AND LISTENS!!  That’s a good sign.  He’s into you and he’s wanting to know about your life.  Props!

It sounds old-fashioned but if he takes care of you in the little things you can tell he’ll have your back with the big things.  If he makes sure your Starbucks order is correct, offers to talk to the mechanic about that repair, opens doors for you, holds you when your cold or offers a jacket.  The little things add up and you can tell where his heart is at.  It isn’t just good manners, it means he really cares about your well being.  So, I usually do those things back to make the impression that I care about him too.

How he handles an emergency: if his thoughts are on protecting you and himself at the same time, that’s a big one.  He isn’t so selfish and self-centered if he considers you two a unit to be saved in a fire or earthquake.  If he’s more focused on his weights, computer, or TV and the “things” in his life, he hasn’t found the one who really penetrates his life.  You haven’t either.

I sure hope this helps in any way the discerning single girl.  If you have more tips….

Catching the Bouquet

Because Some of them ARE good…

Intimacy: the dirtiest word of the 21st century. Being intimate isn’t about being “close” as some people prefer to understand it. Your spouse is not your slave or ball-and-chain. Could you be chained to one person the rest of your life and be perfectly happy?  I couldn’t. But, I could be supported and challenged by a worthy friend/opponent whom I also happen to love. Intimacy is really different than passionate, emotional togetherness.

I am not currently dating a certain man from my past, but I know him. I know what he’s thinking and what he “means” when he says things. Talking to him now, that we aren’t together, is still pleasurable because we still have intimacy. I didn’t plan on it. It sort-of just happened. You hang-out with someone long enough it just does.

My dad married a woman after my mother, whom he later divorced. She wasn’t the most kind and tender soul, but the loss of her in my life was felt. I may not have bonded with her in a positive way, but only we knew the things that went on and that made us intimates. Only she knows what it means to be with my dad and why it’s a hard road.

That said, what a powerful tool for a love relationship. It’s almost like you can step back a little and still feel like you’re in a relationship even when things aren’t super great. There’s something to be said for a familiarity that breeds when you are around someone long enough. Maybe that’s the real key to long-term satisfaction in relationships, the intimacy.